The Truth - Opening Up
Dealing With My Insecurities and Anxiety
The Truth
When I first started my blog, I promised myself that I would be raw and real. This is an outlet for me and I do not want to have to hold back, due to the fear of what people will think of me. I have opened up about it on certain occasions, but something has finally given me the courage to talk about it fully, to let it all out. I do not want anyone to look at me differently, I am still me. I have dealt with this for quite a while now.
I definitely am someone who loves to keep to myself. I love my best friends and the people who surround me, and I know they would do absolutely anything for me or listen to me complain at 4 am. I am not someone who would ever ask that of someone, I just simply do not like opening up. It is not in me to talk about problems, rather I enjoy being there for the ones who need me.
I am scared I am going to come off insane or crazy. Scarred from the past, not feeling good enough in relationships, constantly comparing myself to others, whether it is people I know or from social media - it is something I carry with me for life. It is so hard for me to be okay with how I look or my personality, there is always something I wish to change.
The smallest situations can spark my insecurities and I completely shut down. My mood goes from totally happy and loving life to instant tears or isolating myself immediately, becoming insanely quiet or unresponsive. The number of nights I stay up just completely picking myself apart, wondering why people stick around or comparing myself to someone I will NEVER be, it is overwhelming. I am doing it right now while I am typing this. Yes, I know I should stop.
Trust me. It is much easier said than done.
I like to call it an "insecurity attack." I mean...I don't like it but it needed a name.
Social media really has taken a rough toll on me. I won't get too personal, but certain instances just made me question "why want me when there is that?" I use social media to promote fashion, brands that wish to work with me, and to connect with other bloggers and influencers - so at the same time I love it. I think nowadays it is a great tool for businesses and I will continue to use it - I am not trying to be a hypocrite and say it is toxic and then continue to use it and post. I think I do make it toxic, but also I find joy in it..remember when I said I do not want to come off crazy? Well, I feel crazy. I will be over-dramatic and say I felt as though people used social media and stabbed me in the back with it, but mostly unintentionally. These "insecurity attacks" leave me feeling not good enough, scrolling through and seeing how perfect people are and how it isn't me and never will be me.
Let's get more real. I do suffer from social anxiety a bit. I get SO nervous walking in somewhere and I automatically feel like everyone is judging me and hates me. I can't even stand having to get up and walk in front of a class. Short story time: I sat through a 3-hour class with a 101 fever because I did not want people to watch me get up and leave...I know I feel crazy typing it..but I can't change it, at least not yet, not now. This comes and goes, certain instances I am totally fine but others it is so bad, I start shaking I get so overwhelmed. This is something that is really hard to deal with, because sometimes people think I come off as stand-offish whereas I am really just panicking about having the right things to say or automatically assuming people dislike me. I can promise you I am an extremely nice human being and if you approach me I would be nothing but kind and friendly. I am all about building relationships and making friends, and it really does suck that social anxiety plays a huge toll in holding me back.
I worry about things I should not worry over. I freak out over things that cannot be changed. I cannot be happy in myself fully. I keep myself up at night. I have anxiety, I have severe insecurities. It is so hard, I don't want to have to admit it rather I wish I could say I overcame it. But I haven't. I am 22 and right now I really, truly feel the anxiety and insecurities I have are at an all-time high. I hope people realize it is not just them. I know when I am up at 3 am worrying about what I could change about myself, or what I am going to be doing with my life, the world is silent and I feel alone. Then I finally wake up, go about my day and realize it is not just me. It does not take it away but it is nice to know you are not crazy for the way you feel.
To end on a more positive note, there are two things I always do that help me cope a little better.
1. Working out: I started a strict workout routine in December, and it has been one of the best things for my mental health. Being able to sweat out all the sadness and frustration is such a powerful outlet.
2. Music: If you know me, you know I LOVE music. 9/10 times you can probably find me at a concert. When I find myself getting down on myself, throwing on some of my favorite artists has such healing powers and usually sparks a smile on my face.
To end on a more positive note, there are two things I always do that help me cope a little better.
1. Working out: I started a strict workout routine in December, and it has been one of the best things for my mental health. Being able to sweat out all the sadness and frustration is such a powerful outlet.
2. Music: If you know me, you know I LOVE music. 9/10 times you can probably find me at a concert. When I find myself getting down on myself, throwing on some of my favorite artists has such healing powers and usually sparks a smile on my face.
I want this blog to be a journey, or on the road with me, I should say. I can't wait to write a blog post, could be months, even years from now, telling you I overcame this challenging part of my life. Thank you for those who have stuck with me. Thank you for reading, and thank you for being on this journey with me.
Much love.
- Isabella
Oh My Gosh! Just read this post to feel what I can not even describe. I have a blog too and I made it for the same reasons than you, to post what I can not really say. Plus I´m HECK impressed about how similar I feel we are, about feelings, people and axiety... Hope you the best xoxo.
ReplyDeleteSaw this on one of my sleepless nights. Sometimes, we come across raw and honest emotional stories that sting our hearts. We relate for one reason or another. Maybe we feel a sense of sympathy for the poet as they are pouring every fear onto a page. Maybe we even see ourselves within each sentence that becomes our own personal story. For someone who has anxiety over acceptance, you speak quite a storm with a small mouth. You have poured ever ounce of insecurity onto a page and have reminded your readers who have similar issues that they are not alone...You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteAs you walk in a room and say how pretty someone might be, they are probably saying the same about you. You are not competing with anyone. Someone that might be more attractive on the surface may have have a black heart or a missing toenail under that expensive shoe. Nobody is perfect and we bleed the same. There will always be someone younger, hotter, taller, etc., but so what. We should surround ourselves with people who see through our scars. People who can't take their eyes off you in a room full of supermodels , and only want hear you speak even over a Morgan Freeman monologue in the background. Let someone judge you, you don't need them in your life. If it's a stranger, you'll never see them again so it does't matter. You have on one to impress but yourself.
Keep inspiring and we'll be reading. You're just scratching the surface of where your creative mind will take you. Keep dreaming like they do in the movies...Dream out loud.
~ Mr Maisel